The battle in my heart
Is tearing this girl apart
What kind of person am I
To reject a love such as this?
Hey everyone,
I apologize for how long it's been since I've last posted. I have no excuse, I suppose I just haven't gotten around to it.
The answer to the question in the title is different for everyone. But to me, I say absolutely. In fact love IS a supernatural being. Love is God.
The past few days I've been having a hard time believing that God was even real. I couldn't see him, I couldn't feel him, I couldn't even hear him, and it seemed that no matter how hard I tried to seek him, and to love him and follow him, I always fell away. I began to get really really frustrated with myself and no longer knew what to do. I wanted to completely give up. I wanted to choose to live my life how ever I wanted. I wanted to do what I wanted. I didn't want to continue to follow anything that I didn't know was there. So why didn't I just give up? Why didn't I just call it quits and make my life easier. Why didn't I just permanently reject the idea of a god? What made it so hard, impossible even that I couldn't simply walk away from a stupid religion.
I discovered my answer. And I've come to find that once you've even had the smallest taste of God's love, you can never again... walk away.
I asked myself multiple times lately, How could God be real if I just keep falling away from him? If he really existed, would he really let me turn away from him? Would God really let me reject him so much, if he really did go through all that trouble just to save me from my sin? Why would he let me fall?
These questions began to spread like a disease through my thoughts. And I finally broke down. I found myself sitting at the dinner table with my parents in tears, because I no longer knew what to do. I remember telling them while crying like a little girl "I fall away from him so much, and it's so frustrating! I just... wanna stay there!" My parents listened to my cries of frustration in silence, and when I asked if they would pray they sat me down between them on our couch and prayed over me as the tears dripped down my face. I prayed first. I cried out to God in angst for knowledge to know what to do. I told God that I wanted to love him, but didn't know how. The next day my mom walked into my room asking if I was too sick to go to church and so I stayed home that day. But the question I asked myself, "How could God be real if I fall away from him so much?" was turned.
I began to realize something. And that was, would I really keep coming back to Gods arms if he wasn't real? And every time that I have come running back, there was no rejection, no replacement. He stands there, waiting. There's no way that God doesn't exist. That his love doesn't exist. Because if I felt no presence, or subsistence in his love, if I found no meaning in his love, then there's no way that I would care enough to come running back.
God. Is. Greater. Than. This.
